The Adventures of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 4:Equestria's Downfall
The team was halfway to Planet Equestria. The Space around the planet was heavily guarded by long range RD missiles, So Kerbin devised a plan. Kerbin: "If we jam the cameras, the FOF drive in the ship already will make sure we get in." Celtic: "FOF? Sounds like a british word for sex. "Oy,Mary!" "Yes,Jarold?" "Wanna FOF before i go to work at the tea factory?" "Sure!"." Memez: "Is that racist or countryist?" Bonesy: "Just let him have it. Anyway, the plan is great, except for one thing." Kerbin: "What's that?" Jack: "What are we gonna do when we get on the planet's surface m8?" Bonesy: "Dude. Stealing thunder. Not cool." The team heard gunshots from Spooky's quarters. Veronica: "What was that!?!?" Ryuko: "Should we go in?" Spooky walked out in full Serbian Army uniform,wielding his Makarov. Spooky:"Don't worry, was Kebab Removal Training." Veronica whispers to Bonesy Veronica: "You still haven't told me what a Kebab is." Bonesy: "SSsshhh,he'll hear you." Kerbin: "Anyway,if we get to a deserted patch near the Palace,we could get in with no incident." Celtic: "Better than Jack's idea." Jack: "What was wrong with my idea!?" Celtic: "I quote. 'Let's just blaze it and leave 'em alone m80.' End quote." Jack: "I see your point,may have been a little under-active for an operation such as this. Was still a great idea." Kerbin used his amazing l33t h4xing skill7 to remotely deactivate visual surveillance in the area they were entering. Bonesy activated the FOF drive (Friend or Foe BTW) and the sensors around the planet recognized them as a friend, allowing the access to the airspace around Equestria. When they landed on the far outskirts of Equestria, they all realized just how shitty the area was. Cardboard lean-to's leaning on slightly more stable scrap metal shacks. They land in a section where the least radical Pony-lovers lived Random guy #1: "I mean, I have no problem with other people liking it, it's just that I don't." Strangely familiar man: "I was a survivor of the Weegee Wars, and they treat me like this!?" Bonesy: "Wait, is that Luigifan?" Luigifan noticed them, but having been in the shanty's so long, forgot who they were. Friends, Foes, Potential targets for theft? Not with those weapons. Luigifan: "Spare a bit o coin to replace my dakimakura?" Jack: "Who's on your dakimakura, m8?" Luigifan: "Bill Cipher." Jack: "Bah, Hatsune Miku's better." Luigifan stared at Jack with the intensity of a thousand suns. The longer he glared the larger he got, until he became the monster known only as... WEEGEE: "HOPE YOU BROUGHT LOTSA SPAGHETTI!!!" Jack: "..Oh shit." Bonesy and everyone else: "Your fight man." WEEGEE punched the earth in front of Jack, knocking over multiple homes in the near vicinity. Jack 420DROPKNIFE'D him but the effect wasn't really visible. WEEGEE knocked him through two other homes before Bonesy intervened. Bonesy: "LUIGIFAN, REMEMBER YOUR LOVE FOR BILL CIPHER!" WEEGEE: "SPAHGHETTI?" Bonesy: "WHAT WOULD HE DO IF HE SAW YOU LIKE THIS?!?" Luigifan: "(returning to normal) He would try to leave me." Bonesy: "But he's back now (Gives Luigifan A Bill Cipher Dakimakura.) Luigifan: "(Now normal,whatever that is.) Yay!" Bonesy: "Now apologize to Jack." Luigifan: "I'm sorry, Jack." Jack climbed out of the rubble,both arms bent in odd directions." Jack: "(wince) It's okay m80." Kerbin: "Sleep on that cot over there, an hour should help your limbs." Jack: "Okay m8." Jack slept on the cot for an hour, magically making his limbs set and heal. Memez: "But,we aren't in Fallout, are we?" Bonesy: "I mean there's Fallout:Equestria. Maybe were in that part of town." Just as they said that,the guards for this section came running. Carrying AER11 laser rifles, dressed in full Tunnel Snake garb, they set upon the scene like locusts to a small country town. Guard Snake #1: "EY YOU! Were you here at the scene of the crime?" Bonesy: "Well i.." Guard Snake #2: "Don't be no stoolie,now." Bonesy: "Okay then,i wont say anything." Guard Snake #1: "Well ya gotta tell us if you were here or not buddy." Guard Snake #2: "But if he does that, he's a stoolie. He don't wanna be no stoolie." Guard Snake #1: "Look Johnny, we need him to spill. It's our job." Guard Snake #2: "Like that part in West Side Story was "Our job'." Guard Snake #1: "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU CANT ACT, JOHNNY!" Guard Snake #2: "YOU SONOVA BITCH!!" The two guards fought for a while, allowing the party the escape they needed. Jack: "But Bonesyyy, I bet on this fight!" Bonesy: "They're pretty much the same person, you win either way." Kerbin: "Another thing we forgot to put in to the equation." Jack: "What's that Kerb?" Kerbin: "Don't call me Kerb. Anyway,ho....." Jack: "How are we supposed to get in the Palace?" Bonesy: "We had a talk about this man, that's not cool!" Jack: "Srry m8, continue Kerb." Kerbin: "Don't call me Kerb, dammit. You stole my thunder anyway, I cant say it now." But the question still stood, how were they going to get into the Palace? A place both hated for harboring Bronies and respected for its impenetrability. Bonesy: "We probably should of thought of this beforehand,huh?" Kerbin: "(Lightning bolt of an idea) I got this!" And so Kerbin worked tirelessly,modifying his beloved Bancannon into a beastly destroyer of men, Bronies and Vore-addicts. The Banstick. Firing 100 pellets of Banium as fast as the Bancannon could, with the same destructive power, he showed his plan on a whiteboard which was nearby for some reason. Kerbin: "...And if you guys can get me close enough, I can blow the hinges off the doors of the Palace!" Memez: "How did you make this, anyway? There are like NO materials that are useful here, and there aren't any shops." Kerbin: "I'm glad you asked. I made this by way of pure and simple fuck you." Jack: "Well, that was uncalled for." Bonesy: "Well, shut up. We can't waste any more time here, lets go!" Luigi: "But what's my weapon?" Ryuko: "You already have a weapon man. You can turn into whatever the fuck that thing was." Veronica: "It was preeettyyy terrifying." Luigifan: "But I don't wanna turn into him again. He's creepy." Celtic: "(mumbles) nice way to subtly nerf him, Bonesy." Bonesy: "I think that there's a couple more weapons here, lets seeeee diamond spiked dildo... No. Chainsaw of Spoopieness, here we go!" Luigi: "What does it do?" Bonesy: "Makes everyone think that you're a cheesy movie character, so they laugh." Luigi: "And then what?" Bonesy: "And then you saw their faces off, piece of cake." Celtic: "Seems legit." Luigi: "Sure, I'll take it." Bonesy: "One more problem Kerbin." Kerbin: "And that is?" Bonesy: "We are at the edge of their city, the guards know who we are (except those greasers but they had their own problems) and every Brony or Pegasister who identifies as such is gunning for us!" Kerbin: "Narration montage paragraph?" Bonesy: "Nah, too heavy handed." Celtic: "One paragraph each with speech thrown in to describe us getting closer and closer?" Bonesy: "That might work, yeah. Small paragraphs though?" Celtic: "Sure, I'll allow it." Bonesy: "ALRIGHT, LETS DO THIS!" And so the squad moved forward in their quest to destroy all bronies, rushing through Sections 1 and 2 with bloody ease. Bonesy: "Kerbin, Filler sentences!" Kerbin: "I dont know what to say right now either Bonesy." Sections 5 and 6 were the hardest (For some reason, Section 3 and 4 don't exist,writers laziness? Yeah, I'm tired.) because they employed the mutated troops and regular bronies. A wall of sheer terror was building in front of them. Bonesy confidently strode up to the horde of monsters, a long forgotten relic in his hand. Bonesy: "Drop it." The Bass Cannon was reborn. Vibrant reds and blues danced around the Bronies, reducing them to colorful cinders. The streams of color straightened out into a Gigantic Waveform of Bass, reducing the wall in front of them, and the Bronies on the steps of the Palace, to a bright light before exploding. Jack: "(Eyes tearing up) I'm...so glad that I left the Vault. This is beauty. (sniff)." Bonesy: "No time to stare, Kerbin, get to the Palaces doors now!" Kerbin hefted the Banstick over his shoulder, running towards the Palace doors. He locked onto the first hinge. BOOOOMMMM, the sound setting teeth on edge for miles around, Disintegrating the first hinge. He didn't need to shoot the second or third, because at that time the doors flung open and a bright pink light hit Kerbin head on. Everyone: "KEEEERRRRRBBBBIIIINNNN!!!!!!" The perpetrator held a gigantic pink cannon slung over his shoulder, still fizzling with the Bronieness it had fired, Animationfan stood at the door laughing. Animation: "GOTCHA,HAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!!!" He aimed the cannon at Bonesy, just as Bonesy fired his at Anime. The two streams of pure energy fought against each other, locked in battle. Behind Anime, a tall hooded figure stood up. Throwing off the cloak, it revealed itself as Queen of the Bronies, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie: "WANNA MAKE SOME CUPCAKES?!?!" The large pink pony threw itself towards Bonesy. Veronica: "NOOOOO!!!!" Veronica punched the overly pink equine into Celtic, who used the Sword of Blatant Ripoffs to bat her into Memez, who used the Staff of Sanity to launch the pony into the stratosphere. Ryuko threw the Scissor Blade into the air, hitting the pony as it came down. Jack 420NOSOPED the thing down into the Earth. Luigifan, enraged by the loss of his teammate, reverted into WEEGEE, and pounded the thing even further into the earth. He returned just fast enough to see that Veronica had picked up the Banstick, aiming it at the hole that Pinkie Pie was stuck in. The last thing it saw was a .500 caliber shotgun aimed at her face. Everyone braced themselves against Veronica, bracing for the impact. BOOOMMM, the Banstick roared,obliterating the Queen of Bronies into a soft, blood paste. Animefan felt every hit the Queen took as physical pain. He fell down when the Queen died, reverting to his non-brony form, the Cannon returning to its original form, Animefan's Scythe.He was cured. Bonesy: "Welcome back to sanity, whatever that is." Animefan: "But...I REMEMBER! YOU HAVE TO GET TO KERBIN, NOW!!!" Kerbin was lying peacefully on the steps of the Palace, his kangaroo face so serene. Bonesy: "Kerbin, wake up m8 we gotta do some shit." Kerbin: "Idonwanna...(snore)." Celtic: "HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE!?!?!?!" Bonesy: "Remember when he touched my spine?" Jack: "Dude, TMI m80." Bonesy: "Not like that, you damn pervert, FLASHBACK." Flashback to a year ago. "But Kerbin saw a small twinkle on the last vertebrae. And even though Celtic JUST TOLD HIM NOT TO, he took the item off of Bonesy's spine. For some odd ass reason, the Bronieness didn't affect him (Plot Immunity)." End flashback Celtic:"So... The plot saved him?" Bonesy:"Yeah, we'll go with that then." Bonesy leaned next to Kerbins ear. Bonesy: "WAKE UP YOU UGLY FUCKIN KANGAROO!!!!!" Kerbin: "AAUAAAAAUUGGGGHHHH!" Kerbin, startled by his rude awakening,began to roll down the palace stairs. Jack: "LOLOLOLOL!!!" Celtic: "That's kinda funny." Luigi: "Should we help him?" Bonesy: "Nah, he isn't gonna die over something as trivial as this." And so, the heroes headed back to the ship exhausted, except for Memez who was typing something on a stolen laptop. Bonesy piloted them into Troll Controlled space for a good nights sleep. . .. ... ..... ...... The radio by Bonesy's bed crackled on, it was 1:41 AM. General Godzillafan, of the Troll army was on the line. Bonesy moved out from under Veronica's protective arm over the bed to answer it. Gen.Goddy: "Bonesy Rather, of the Seven Squad? Bonesy: "More like Nine now, but anyway what do you need General?" Gen.Goddy: "We are having some trouble with Planet Vorius." Bonesy wondered what he could mean, as Veronica woke up wondering what he was doing. Bonesy: "The ENTIRE planet? Surely the people of Vorius can't be that bad." Gen.Goddy: "It's not the inhabitants we are worried about, its the PLANET. With the loss of Thebigpuppy, it has gone into a sort of "Attack Mode". It's headed towards your ship right now." Bonesy looked at Veronica who stared back in utter horror. Bonesy put on his pants, and ran towards the quarters. There was one more fight left. To be continued. Also Spooky is still training for some reason. Srry my friend,will add later;)